I'm in complete despair

[Doodley]

27. Yes, those pills may not be safe. He may be in pain and need those pills. Yes, he may be addicted.

But he obviously needs them. The medication he is taking sounds reasonable if he is in chronic pain. My family members have and have had a higher dosage or even moved up to oxy.

You all need to sit with him and not be confrontational, not judge him, but show him you all want to give him your love and support. Tell him he has no choice, but you or other family members are going with him to his pain management, and he needs to tell them he is in chronic pain, and the dosage they are giving needs to be increased. Obviously, keep quiet about his illegal pills, or they will never give him any and he will suffer forever and may never forgive you.

When they ask what his pain level is, he needs to tell them it's an eight at least. Some older folk in particular try to make out they are feeling better than they really are at the doctors. They put on a show, especially if they are used to not showing weakness. He needs an advocate to get them to increase his dosage. And your father needs to understand this is instead of the pills he is ordering online. From there, his pain medication dosage can be monitored by the professionals.

Really, the Ambien could be the bigger issue, especially mixing with narcotics and we don't know if he's sometimes taking too much. I'm guessing he has a bit of dementia, and at times he may be overdosing, forgetting what he's already taken. No wonder he's had hallucinations. Why is he ordering Ambian? Bless his souil, is he having trouble sleeping? Is it the pain that is keeping him up? Is he trying to numb the pain with that as well? Again, there needs to be a conversation to understand what is going on and why, and then he needs a visit to his GP with an advocate to talk about this, and of course with pain management.

Beyond that, he needs to understand it's not negotiable, a family member needs to take control of his medications and only give him a day's medication each day. If he needs more help than that, then more times a day.

He wants to stay in his own home. Understand that. It may not be the best decision, but it's his home. He's an adult. We all make bad decisions. He's an old man, so expect him to make them. Maybe there are memories there. If he is well enough to be taken out for a meal or something when he's better, maybe a family member could take a detour on the way home and say "Dad, this is an assisted living community, why don't we take a look?" He will argue, then reply. "I know, but we are here now anyway and we might as well take a look. Nobody is telling you where to live. It will be your decision and we wil respect that but what's the harm? Come on!" He might like what he sees, or might in time come around to see that he needs it.

A senior social worker could be an advocate to assess his needs and have a conversation with him to ask what he wants and to make suggestions about options available for him, regarding at home care, assisted living etc.

Also check any insurance and talk to the social worker at the rehab facility to see if he qualifies for any home health visits. My mother-in-law was able to get this every time she was discharged from rehab and they visited three times a week. Didn't do much to lighten our load, but every bit helps.

I would add, to try to go the extra mile to show your empathy towards the family members who are caring for him. As you say, they are exhausted. They need to see your compassion, understanding, and gratitude to them. It's draining. It's a roller coaster. It's physically and emotionally hard work. It's frustrating. It's sad. They may feel resentment that you are only there fleetingly. That isn't being toxic. Understand their emotions if they show their asses. They are overwhelmed and wanting support. They want to see you helping them and being part of the solution, not simply venting your own frustrations or presenting problems, and then leaving town. This isn't just your problem. It's a family problem. You aren't the knight riding into town to fix everything, before riding off again. If you feel that way, you are putting too much pressure on yourself.