step outside that relationship and look at your parents as whole people, to really make a great connection. And you find they're so much more nuanced than you ever would have guessed. But that calls for you to grow up and step out of your part of the relationship, too. Sometimes its really hard to get out of your own way! 
Mom and I had a lot of strife as I was growing up. Being the oldest among three, I was totally responsible when she finally did get a job as a receptionist. If things from the list weren't done (no matter whose chores they were) by the time she got home, there was hell to pay -- to me, as being the oldest. This automatically set up not only strife between me and mom because of what I deemed the unfairness of being responsible for my (mostly brother's) irresponsibility. It also caused a huge wedge between me and my brother, too. It's unspoken and my brother's favorite response to any question from any one is a "grunt"... so it's just not me. How he ended up being so chauvinistic with me yelling at him "get it yourself" all the time, and my Dad never showing one inch of chauvinism or patriarchy.
More than anything, tho, I came to slowly realize all the jealous, hurt feelings Mom had after I was born. I was a preemie, but in both actual size, age... and also because I was an "oops" at some point before Mom and Dad's wedding. Mom's brother when she was growing up was a heartache and worry for everyone. Mom was responsible for him, but it was an almost impossible feat. Mom ended up with it because babysitters and nannies would have nothing to do with him. He'd had German Measles, and end up severely mentally retarded afterwards. He was also aggressive, hostile, and of course it was all immediate gratification. He basically stopped aging mentally at 6 years old (kinda like trump). All the things Mom had wanted for herself as a teenager and young adult... any future she had thought of beyond marriage... just fell to the wind. But here I was - this upstart girl with dreams galore. First decision was to join the Air Force... the FIRST flight of female law enforcement, at that. I was skirting all the norms she'd had laid out for me. Of course, there was a sense of pride... but I could always see disappointment in her eyes. It just took me a lot time to snap to WHY the disappointment. It wasn't JUST because of who I turned out to be (the black sheep of the family) but because I was damned and determined to actually do the things I set my mind to do... and I had been pretty accomplished 'til then. Once you understand that, it makes forgiving what happened in the past a lot easier.
Which leaves room for memories like going out Rummage-Saleing on Saturday mornings. Seeing this one porch stock full of junk from one end of it to another...parking the car... walking to the porch... and proceeding to go through all this junk on the porch. Imagine our surprise when the front door opened and the woman politely told us the garage sale was two doors further down. This was just her "stuff." Mom and I apologized, turned beet red, and then laughed hysterically when we got back to the car.
Or the time driving through Houston to get to Galveston (at 8am on a weekday), nerves of steel, fingers clenched to the steering wheel, with Mom in the front seat and Grandma in the back seat. Moving across 6 lanes of traffic to get to our exit. Terrified!!! Mom tried to help me hold it together until after we took the exit. The first place with a restroom she told me to stop. Told grandma (her mom) to stay in the car, we'd be right back. Told me to come with her and bring my purse. Once inside the restroom, she told me to light a cigarette. (Mom had known I smoked for about 5 years... grandma, not yet, and she was gonna hide it for as long as she could). I was never so grateful for a cigarette in my life! Having smoked for over 30 years before she gave it up, I'm sure my grandma knew EXACTLY what we were doing. I'm only surprised after my driving she didn't ask for one of her own! (LOL)
The women in my family have always been soooo cool in their own way. They each had a massive backstory, including immigrating from Ireland. And I loved delving into the stories, and making our own memories. I only wish I'd started earlier collecting the stories, before great-great and great relations were gone. Every family is so unique in its own way. How much more enriched we'd be if we learned each others' histories and challenges and accomplishments, instead of being so tied up in the material world.
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