Dear Senator X,
I understand that Senator Blunt has an amendment to a transportation bill that would allow an employer to object to any form of health care coverage that they find objectionable, due to their personal religious beliefs.
As a Pastafarian, I urge you to vote for this bill. The persecution I have felt from people who do not take my devout adherence to the God of Ramen seriously, will now have to follow my tenent, whether they want to or not. I strongly believe noodles will cure all health issues. I could therefore cancel all health insurance coverage for my employees and make them eat more noodles. With noodles being the body of Ramen and the marinara sauce is the blood of Ramen. Don’t get me going on the significance of a cheese sauce on noodles. I believe that eating more pasta will cure any health issue people have. If this amendment passes I can save a lot of money on insurance coverage. Money which I could spend elsewhere; like political campaigns. Hint-hint.
If an employee dies because they can not afford medical treatment, it is their own lack of conviction in Ramen. They merely did not eat enough pasta as required for sacrifice. Please do not take this letter with a grain of salt; you must add about a teaspoon of extra virgin, organic olive oil with it. After all what is a religious sacrifice, without a virgin in it?
In closing, I also urge you to consider drafting a bill allowing me to punish my employees when they perform their job less than al-dente. As a devout Pastafarian, I would like to be able to give them 50 lashes with a wet noodle as demanded by the directions on the back of the box. With the current law I could be arrested for asalt and buttery. Changing this law will allow me the freedom to treat my employees as I see fit.
May the angel hair pasta and meatballs always be with you,
Mercuryblues.
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