I have one thing to say today. (A long thing, for sure.)
I have often spoken of how I am nobody. From that, one can infer that I feel that I have no value. That I have no merit.
Let me be clear. I am not the one who says this. I am not the one who thinks this.
I am going by what everyone else says and seems to think. I feel I have plenty to offer about a number of things.
But, no one is interested. No one cares.
When I say that I am nobody, I am going by the reality of what I am living every day.
No one cares. No one wants to hear anything I have to say. No one wants to consider any ideas I have.
No one even wants to be around me.
No one.
When I say that I am nobody, it is because the entire human race says that I am.
I do not agree, but one has to remember that old saying about assholes.
If you are at a party, and you think someone is an asshole, chances are that they are the asshole.
But, if you are at a party, and you think everyone is an asshole, chances are that you are the asshole.
When applied to my situation, it still holds true. Since I am the sole person who feels that I am worth something, yet everyone else does not think so... then I must be the one who is in error.
Nothing I have done seems to have mattered to anyone. I am not talking about something that made me rich and famous. (That concept is one that I have had to deal with for so many decades now. I want success, not fame and fortune. I wanted to be able to do those things that I love and give my life meaning, and to survive while doing them. That's all. But, because my profession is one that helped create 'glamor and prestige', wanting to survive in it comes with a certain amount of 'spillover'. But, I was not interested in living for the glamor. I wanted to make films. However, just being in that profession seems to mean that one is a shallow, self-centered vulture to everyone else. So, when I would lament not being able to pursue the profession as fully as I wanted to, all I would, hear is comments about fame and fortune.)
It has been my experience that people remember one's actions (or inactions), but seldom remember the name associated with it. Again, that is fine. If my movie was what was remembered, that is fine. If it is not, there is little I can do about that, and would just make another one. I never got that chance. Too much of our society is far more concerned with one's income rather than what one puts out.
Sorry, I am just trying to work things out. I know I don't have much time left, and I am trying not to be the greatest cynical grump in the universe when that day comes. But, I can tell you now, that it will be very difficult because I also know that so much of my situation could have been helped, but it was decided not to. The reasons for that can be debated forever, but deep down, I know it is because it would have been seen as a 'bad investment'... mainly because I have been vocal throughout my life that I couldn't care less about all of that. Since that is the complete opposite of how our modern society works, I am considered 'crazy' and not worth the effort, because I am not going to suddenly bow down and kiss the corporate ass.
So, I sit here and wait for that day. I wish I could do something else, but until I can address my health issues, there is little I can do about anything. We cannot afford to even talk about it. Consequently, those who could help have decided not to, so here we are.
Tick tock, tick tock... 
= new reply since forum marked as read
