The Borowitz Report: Mother's Day Gifts From the Ka$h Patel Kollection

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/mothers-day-gifts-from-the-kah-patel
(Today's Borowitz is for paid subscribers only)

Forgot to buy a Mother’s Day gift? Ka$h Patel is here to help. Who’s better at choosing cool gifts than the man who hands out his own personalized bottles of bourbon?

Browse the Ka$h Patel Kollection™ and you’ll find the perfect gift for Mom—especially if she likes to party!

Kash’s Hangover Helper™


Is Mom struggling to recover from yet another all-night rager? Time for her to chug Kash’s Hangover Helper™, a tried-and-true blend of Kash-tested ingredients—tomato juice, vodka, and tabasco—that will have her on the mend in no time. After a generous dose of this magic elixir (and a few hours of barricading herself in her office), Mom will be good as new—and ready to call anyone she doesn’t like a domestic terrorist!

Patel No-tell™ Breath Blasters


Poor Mom—she has a crucial staff meeting in ten minutes and she reeks like a Kentucky distillery. Sounds like a job for Patel No-tell™ Breath Blasters. Available in peppermint, spearmint, and wintergreen, these tiny wonders will transform Mom’s boozy breath into an arctic gust!

Kash’s Kra-Z-Eyes Korrector-Specs™


Uh-oh: Mom has to give a PowerPoint presentation this morning, and after karaoke last night her eyes are at half-staff. Problem solved, thanks to Kash’s Kra-Z-Eyes Korrector-Specs™. Using the latest in iBulge™ technology, these amazing goggles will make Mom appear more than alert—she’ll look downright panicked!

- more at link, for paid subscribers -



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