"Old Fashioned"

[groundloop]

I recently found out that my daughter and her boyfriend are thinking about getting married in a small civil ceremony later this year. (I'm very much ok with that, in fact that would be my first choice but I've kept my mouth shut).

I also learned that before they make things official her boyfriend plans on asking "for my permission".

Am I the only one who feels like this "old fashioned tradition" is demeaning to young women because it's basically saying that they have to get approval from the men in their life before making big decisions?

[senseandsensibility]

1. I can see your point

and yes it probably is. I watch a lot of Korean dramas and in their culture the suitor has to get the blessing of both parents and maybe the grandparents as well. They make a formal visit to the extended family bearing gifts and undergo a grilling about their education, career prospects, etc. Sound super daunting, but at least the women "elders" are given an equal say.

[Iris]

6. Why couldn't you just talk to your daughter about that?

[senseandsensibility]

8. Well, that's probably the best solution

but just speaking from the Korean perspective, their whole society is built around respecting elders and their wisdom. So if you're going to go for that, at least include the women! elders!

[Pobeka]

2. I was glad when I was asked by my daughter's boyfriend.

Gave me a chance to ask if they were on the same page about children.

The answer made it clear they hadn't talked about it.

That gave me the opening to say you definitely don't get married if you aren't on the same page about important things like that.

Just sayin' don't throw the baby out with the bathwater...

[groundloop]

4. They've definitely talked about kids.... their only "disagreement" on that is preferred gender.

But obviously there's no control over that.

[yardwork]

5. Yes but....

Yes, the old tradition of a man asking her father's permission was demeaning, but not quite in the way you're thinking. Women were the property of their fathers and then their husbands. They weren't allowed to make decisions on their own. They weren't allowed to work for money, own property, etc.

That was such a long time ago your daughter and her boyfriend may not even know the details of how bad things were. Instead of signaling that they think women aren't capable of making big decisions, I think they're simply seeking a way to be respectful and loving as they form their own family.

If I were you in this position, I would mumble something about how of course they don't need your permission and you're delighted to welcome boyfriend into family. In other words don't read anything into it except as an excuse to throw a small engagement party. Or lunch. Or something.

[Iris]

7. The only way it's not demeaning is if they both come to you together and ask for your blessing

And do the same for all the other parents

[WhiskeyGrinder]

9. Is he doing it to demean her? If not, chalk it up to him being respectful to your new relationship. Telling him you

think his gesture is demeaning is a great way to spoil this new relationship before it starts.